Life is just such. When one has too much work, then one would complain endlessly. I have been woverworked. Too much work cannot cope.
When you have nothing much to do, you become so lethargic and bored. Falling asleep. Time passes by so slowly.
Gosh.. can't we have something in between. Between not so busy and not so idle? isn't there a median anymore?
anyways falling ZZZZzzzzz. Waiting for the time to pass seems like a major torture. its not even 4pm yet. Darn...
Pretending to be busy is getting harder and harder.
Well , i don't think its becoz there i snothing to do. I just don't know what is there to do.
Sucks.
Monday, August 30, 2004
Wednesday, August 25, 2004
Beauty of Life
Sometimes I wonder whats the beauty of life. I hear people talk about life all the time. Is there such thing as beauty of life? When i drive or when I am in the train or at a restaurant, i see some people - struggling thru life. I think about the taxi drivers, who has to be in the car the whole day; driving up and down. What more when traffic is at its most horrendous pace.
At times like this, I am thankful that I have a job. But when i think about it further, its not that I am not thankful I have a job, its just that I want life to be more than just a job. Its like I want to live life to the fullest - like when I wake up I have the time to go smell the rose, admire the break of dawn, take naps when I want. That's not idealistic you say?
That is why I do wonder people who has to work so hard, and like the labourer - does any of them actually see the beauty of life? If they do, then its so amazing. Either they are just too naive of they have certain believe that its not happiness doesn't lie in this material world. But I don't think I am a materialistic person. I mean i buy stuff but doesn't matter to me whether its guess or topshop or mng or some pasar malam crap. I will buy and wear them. I bought so many type of bajus from thailand and one from indon. When you wear them on, who can tell. But i see alot of people just buy for the sake of the brand. But then again maybe becoz ofmy physic I cant' fit some of the expensive but meant for scrawny people :P What to do, I have big thighs due to my running days in school.
Somtimes when I am asleep, or rather when I am half asleep - can't sleep well. I do get this thoughts running in my head that I wish I am dead. For the past few nites, the anxiety was high, therefore, i start praying the rosary of liberation - but still i dont' find peace. I doze off for a bit but then I wake up again and see that its just 5am. Everday its a routine. Then sometimes, I tell God, I don't want to be alive , Lord. I know thats bad but thats how I feel.
Have you heard of the word Carpe Diem?! I wish i can say that...... about how i live my life.
I haven't yet have the guts to call the counselling center.
I hope EM will call me......
At times like this, I am thankful that I have a job. But when i think about it further, its not that I am not thankful I have a job, its just that I want life to be more than just a job. Its like I want to live life to the fullest - like when I wake up I have the time to go smell the rose, admire the break of dawn, take naps when I want. That's not idealistic you say?
That is why I do wonder people who has to work so hard, and like the labourer - does any of them actually see the beauty of life? If they do, then its so amazing. Either they are just too naive of they have certain believe that its not happiness doesn't lie in this material world. But I don't think I am a materialistic person. I mean i buy stuff but doesn't matter to me whether its guess or topshop or mng or some pasar malam crap. I will buy and wear them. I bought so many type of bajus from thailand and one from indon. When you wear them on, who can tell. But i see alot of people just buy for the sake of the brand. But then again maybe becoz ofmy physic I cant' fit some of the expensive but meant for scrawny people :P What to do, I have big thighs due to my running days in school.
Somtimes when I am asleep, or rather when I am half asleep - can't sleep well. I do get this thoughts running in my head that I wish I am dead. For the past few nites, the anxiety was high, therefore, i start praying the rosary of liberation - but still i dont' find peace. I doze off for a bit but then I wake up again and see that its just 5am. Everday its a routine. Then sometimes, I tell God, I don't want to be alive , Lord. I know thats bad but thats how I feel.
Have you heard of the word Carpe Diem?! I wish i can say that...... about how i live my life.
I haven't yet have the guts to call the counselling center.
I hope EM will call me......
Sunday, August 22, 2004
Just about nothing and about everything
Its Sunday already. At least yesterday (SAT) I didn't have to work esp it being the 3rd sat of the month. Gosh for the past 8.5 years , I never did have to worry about which Sat i had to be at work. This sucks. I am looking forward to another job that can give me the 5 days effect man. This sucks.
Anyways, my anxiety is still high, it can't seem to be able to be calmed down. Its just rising higher and higher and even taking naps in the afternoon seems fruitless.
I went for a healing session at Chris's house last thursday. My sis-in-law was there too. There is this one indian lady who is really really gifted. She has the gift of being able to see what is happenning and also get messages from Holy Spirit during the praying over. But too bad, my turn came only at 11+pm when she had already gone home. Anyways, there is another lady who has about the same gift but just that hers is not usually as long and detailed as the Indian lady's.
I was told by this other lady that "You have asked and Have been Given, Now seek and you will find" Wow.... so makes me think now or rather for a few days now. Do I know exactly what I am seeking for? I asked for a job and I got it. I didn't ask for this Managerial job which i told the guy too - the one who was praying over me. But he said then this is the one for you. But even after the healing session, I myself am not sure. I wasn't able to sleep that nite too. I saw the sacred heart of Jesus during my rest in the spirit. Very far far away at the right hand corner and I told the team there. Chris says that " Bring Him closer". He also mentioned that i have lack of faith.
I guess my spiritual life has been a roller coaster on and off. Sometimes I am at the higher level of spirituality, but sometimes, I am just at the lowest point.
Today I kept pondering on the "Seek and You shall find" statement. I talked to my sister about it, she said maybe this job isn't for you. But you asked and have been given, now you need to open your eyes to find what is there and you will find it. But I dont' know why, i have this faint feeling in my heart that I am seeking for my direction in life. This job doesn't feel like one that would make me happy - as in like i feel alive kinda feeling. Maybe I am asking for too much. I certainly don't know.
I want to be healed of this sickness in me. The sickness that is running through my thoughts and my life. But what do I need to do to attain that. I am pretty much very tired. Extremely tired and maybe that is why I feel like totally giving up.
" Ask and You shall be given, Seek and You shall find, knock and the door will be opened for you"
I need to find my direction in this life...
Anyways, my anxiety is still high, it can't seem to be able to be calmed down. Its just rising higher and higher and even taking naps in the afternoon seems fruitless.
I went for a healing session at Chris's house last thursday. My sis-in-law was there too. There is this one indian lady who is really really gifted. She has the gift of being able to see what is happenning and also get messages from Holy Spirit during the praying over. But too bad, my turn came only at 11+pm when she had already gone home. Anyways, there is another lady who has about the same gift but just that hers is not usually as long and detailed as the Indian lady's.
I was told by this other lady that "You have asked and Have been Given, Now seek and you will find" Wow.... so makes me think now or rather for a few days now. Do I know exactly what I am seeking for? I asked for a job and I got it. I didn't ask for this Managerial job which i told the guy too - the one who was praying over me. But he said then this is the one for you. But even after the healing session, I myself am not sure. I wasn't able to sleep that nite too. I saw the sacred heart of Jesus during my rest in the spirit. Very far far away at the right hand corner and I told the team there. Chris says that " Bring Him closer". He also mentioned that i have lack of faith.
I guess my spiritual life has been a roller coaster on and off. Sometimes I am at the higher level of spirituality, but sometimes, I am just at the lowest point.
Today I kept pondering on the "Seek and You shall find" statement. I talked to my sister about it, she said maybe this job isn't for you. But you asked and have been given, now you need to open your eyes to find what is there and you will find it. But I dont' know why, i have this faint feeling in my heart that I am seeking for my direction in life. This job doesn't feel like one that would make me happy - as in like i feel alive kinda feeling. Maybe I am asking for too much. I certainly don't know.
I want to be healed of this sickness in me. The sickness that is running through my thoughts and my life. But what do I need to do to attain that. I am pretty much very tired. Extremely tired and maybe that is why I feel like totally giving up.
" Ask and You shall be given, Seek and You shall find, knock and the door will be opened for you"
I need to find my direction in this life...
Thursday, August 19, 2004
complacent and contentment
Okie, I know i wrote in the blog this morning. But i just feel like writing again.
I spoke to my friend just now on the way back from work. YES i left on the dot. My team members were still at work. But i cabut. Nothing to do what. If people green eye that's their problem.
Its hard being a leader when you haven't been one before. Anyways.....I have been having sleepless nites. I wonder when this will end. Oh yeah, as i was saying, my friend told me that maybe i was too complacent and contented at my previous job and now that I left, nothing seem to be able to compare to it. Maybe thats true.
I find this job hard coz i have to know the terms and such and i can see its just the 1st week and my team members are already disrespectful coz they think they know alot. And what more freshies leh.
I am learning as much as I can, and I choose to ask people with experience. And the problem is the ladies I am getting help from are going for maternity........... shit luck or what.
But you know what my phone no this time is damn nice.... and id also damn nice.. no 4444 like previously short lived job. hahahaha.
I am totally a basket case... i am seriously thinking of seeking help from a councillor.
I spoke to my friend just now on the way back from work. YES i left on the dot. My team members were still at work. But i cabut. Nothing to do what. If people green eye that's their problem.
Its hard being a leader when you haven't been one before. Anyways.....I have been having sleepless nites. I wonder when this will end. Oh yeah, as i was saying, my friend told me that maybe i was too complacent and contented at my previous job and now that I left, nothing seem to be able to compare to it. Maybe thats true.
I find this job hard coz i have to know the terms and such and i can see its just the 1st week and my team members are already disrespectful coz they think they know alot. And what more freshies leh.
I am learning as much as I can, and I choose to ask people with experience. And the problem is the ladies I am getting help from are going for maternity........... shit luck or what.
But you know what my phone no this time is damn nice.... and id also damn nice.. no 4444 like previously short lived job. hahahaha.
I am totally a basket case... i am seriously thinking of seeking help from a councillor.
Never Ending Nerve Racking Situation
Okay, 1 st week at new job. How? Filled with nerve racking situation. Firstly, dont' know no banking jargon. Secondly, no experience as someone's manager what more for 6 people. I was unable to sleep from monday nite onwards. Everynite i am just in a daze. i can't sleep. I keep thinking what if i can't do it. Then how?
Then yesterday all hell broke lose. I was told I am to do review of coding of my team. HOW? Manager have to be doing programming also, I die loh!!!!!!!!!!
I want to leave this corporate shit! GIve me ideas on what else i can do. If there is something i can do but have no background in that, what can i do to get myself equiped and trained? I need to seriously think about it. I need to think as job as not just as a job. But something i would like to do ... when i wake up i am happy. Sound not idealistic? I think it can be done. I have seen people do it. WHY NOT ME
Then yesterday all hell broke lose. I was told I am to do review of coding of my team. HOW? Manager have to be doing programming also, I die loh!!!!!!!!!!
I want to leave this corporate shit! GIve me ideas on what else i can do. If there is something i can do but have no background in that, what can i do to get myself equiped and trained? I need to seriously think about it. I need to think as job as not just as a job. But something i would like to do ... when i wake up i am happy. Sound not idealistic? I think it can be done. I have seen people do it. WHY NOT ME
Wednesday, August 11, 2004
Whats your purpose here....
Lately, maybe becoz i have too much time on my hands. I have been pondering alot about what life means to me.
For the past 1.5 weeks, I have been waking up and being idle the whole freaking day. Just feel daze, walking around the house. Last of whole week I didn't even step foot out from the house. Not even to the garden. All I did was, wake up.... get online. Chat abit. Watch tv. Try to sleep in the blinking heat in the afternoon. which always fails as its burning hot in my room. So i end up watching all the telenova - the spanish dramas, the filipino drama on tv. hahaha. Talking about being such a couch potato.
On top of all that, I have been having anxiety attack quite alot lately. Out of the blue, i will feel a pang of panic. Be it the new job or thinking about growing older next year. When I look back, it seems that I have not achieved much. Is it that I haven't achieved much or what I have achieved doesn't bring meaning to my life.
I totally envy people who embraces life totally. They live everyday like there is no tomorrow. But I wonder though, how these people condition their minds? Isn't it human that we think about how to survive , about $$$, about our daily needs?
Afew days ago i came across a reading from Luke which reads : Trust God.
In there it says that we shouldn't worry too much about what to eat and wear as the birds and cows doesn't worry and God clothes them and provide for them. We being higher level than these two how can God not provide for us? Very meaningful. I guess its also a flaw in us humans that we always think about our needs beyond any other things. But to reach that leve of trust of not worrying about anything but just live life.. will be alot of hardwork for such a person like me.
Also of late, I kept thinking I will be turning another year older.. and soon will hit the mid 30s... its such a scary thought.
Sometimes, I have dreams about Tao - dunno where she is now. Maybe in cyprus happily married. Sometimes I have dreams about Iowa.. the snow... happy smiley faces of all the people i have known during University days.... I miss that. Maybe that was the happiest moment in my life.... That is why sometimes my mind just wills itself back to that moment.
Maybe, I am so unsettled in this period of my life ( that is the 8 years i started working) is becoz i long for the times , those happy times i have left behind.... At that time, I realized i never had to worry much about $$$ , about bf.. or anything. At that time I thought everything will fall into place. My goal was to get a degress , graduate with honors.. make the dean list every semester never letting my cgpa drop.. I had a purpose, I have a goal in life.
then when i started working reality struck. What has happened to me.. What happened to the charasmatic and confident person?
These 1.5 weeks... the only thoughts that kept coming back is that I don't want to work anymore. I even told my mom that, she said, you can do that but you will no money to spend. That's the world isn't it. The real world. Everything boils down to money.
I need to seek my dream again.. what is that. Is it being a good housewife.. and taking care of my kids( if i do ever have any) or being a successful working person. AT this point i think i will opt for the former. But time is running out... biological clock is ticking like mad dog....
If I do have a dream or goal , will my life have more meaning. Will i wake up with a purpose in this life?
Do you think it would make a difference where I physically am? Be it in MY or AU?
I am just like the lost souls.....
For the past 1.5 weeks, I have been waking up and being idle the whole freaking day. Just feel daze, walking around the house. Last of whole week I didn't even step foot out from the house. Not even to the garden. All I did was, wake up.... get online. Chat abit. Watch tv. Try to sleep in the blinking heat in the afternoon. which always fails as its burning hot in my room. So i end up watching all the telenova - the spanish dramas, the filipino drama on tv. hahaha. Talking about being such a couch potato.
On top of all that, I have been having anxiety attack quite alot lately. Out of the blue, i will feel a pang of panic. Be it the new job or thinking about growing older next year. When I look back, it seems that I have not achieved much. Is it that I haven't achieved much or what I have achieved doesn't bring meaning to my life.
I totally envy people who embraces life totally. They live everyday like there is no tomorrow. But I wonder though, how these people condition their minds? Isn't it human that we think about how to survive , about $$$, about our daily needs?
Afew days ago i came across a reading from Luke which reads : Trust God.
In there it says that we shouldn't worry too much about what to eat and wear as the birds and cows doesn't worry and God clothes them and provide for them. We being higher level than these two how can God not provide for us? Very meaningful. I guess its also a flaw in us humans that we always think about our needs beyond any other things. But to reach that leve of trust of not worrying about anything but just live life.. will be alot of hardwork for such a person like me.
Also of late, I kept thinking I will be turning another year older.. and soon will hit the mid 30s... its such a scary thought.
Sometimes, I have dreams about Tao - dunno where she is now. Maybe in cyprus happily married. Sometimes I have dreams about Iowa.. the snow... happy smiley faces of all the people i have known during University days.... I miss that. Maybe that was the happiest moment in my life.... That is why sometimes my mind just wills itself back to that moment.
Maybe, I am so unsettled in this period of my life ( that is the 8 years i started working) is becoz i long for the times , those happy times i have left behind.... At that time, I realized i never had to worry much about $$$ , about bf.. or anything. At that time I thought everything will fall into place. My goal was to get a degress , graduate with honors.. make the dean list every semester never letting my cgpa drop.. I had a purpose, I have a goal in life.
then when i started working reality struck. What has happened to me.. What happened to the charasmatic and confident person?
These 1.5 weeks... the only thoughts that kept coming back is that I don't want to work anymore. I even told my mom that, she said, you can do that but you will no money to spend. That's the world isn't it. The real world. Everything boils down to money.
I need to seek my dream again.. what is that. Is it being a good housewife.. and taking care of my kids( if i do ever have any) or being a successful working person. AT this point i think i will opt for the former. But time is running out... biological clock is ticking like mad dog....
If I do have a dream or goal , will my life have more meaning. Will i wake up with a purpose in this life?
Do you think it would make a difference where I physically am? Be it in MY or AU?
I am just like the lost souls.....
Thursday, August 05, 2004
Weird-ness
I guess being human, there are areas about humans that we cant' understand ourselves. I for one, sometimes do not even understand what I want. I totally admire those people who really knows what they want. But I wonder does this change with each phases of life or is it constant.
I have been at home for 4 days nows. Shame to say I have accomplished nothing. Absolutely nothing. I spend my time basically watching tv and sleeping. Even getting online has been minimized. i only get online, chat with some friends - always less than 1 hour duration.
surfing also nothing much to surf.
so i usually complain, I need a break, now I am getting my break. But .... am i wasting it all away hahahaa... feel so dead. Funny how time passes so fast when I am at home :)
I think i have to live for today!!!!!
I have been at home for 4 days nows. Shame to say I have accomplished nothing. Absolutely nothing. I spend my time basically watching tv and sleeping. Even getting online has been minimized. i only get online, chat with some friends - always less than 1 hour duration.
surfing also nothing much to surf.
so i usually complain, I need a break, now I am getting my break. But .... am i wasting it all away hahahaa... feel so dead. Funny how time passes so fast when I am at home :)
I think i have to live for today!!!!!
Monday, August 02, 2004
The deed is done
Hmm.. so the deed was done last friday. So now what? At that moment it felt so good. But now, the worries are slowly flooding back. I feel like my mind is blank at the moment. Waiting for something good to some my way. I dont' know.
I may have gone insane! Need some professional help!!! hahahaa.
oh yeah i forgot some details about the Jakarta trip. They have this blue mountain card and posters thingy!!!! wow reminds me so much of the university book store at UNI that sells all these things. See so Americanized. Also they have Wendy's there.
What to do lah... with my life... i thought i should feel happy which i did on friday. I felt liberated but now what!?!?!?!
I may have gone insane! Need some professional help!!! hahahaa.
oh yeah i forgot some details about the Jakarta trip. They have this blue mountain card and posters thingy!!!! wow reminds me so much of the university book store at UNI that sells all these things. See so Americanized. Also they have Wendy's there.
What to do lah... with my life... i thought i should feel happy which i did on friday. I felt liberated but now what!?!?!?!
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